Question: “What are your thoughts
about < insert topic here >?”
Rudy Guiliani:
“When I was mayor of New York, I did a lot of important things. You know that right? Do you? And you, do you know? Ok good. Remember: important things, mayor of New York. What was the question?”
Tom Tancredo:
“We need to enforce the border! That will solve the problem! Deport the illegals! The border! Illegals! The border!”
John McCain:
“My colleagues believe I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing. We understand you have been contacted by a certain…individual, a man who calls himself “Obama.” Now, whatever you may think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most unqualified presidential candidate alive. Get it? It’s a joke! It’s a movie line, but I changed it so it’s about Obama! Funny, huh? Hahaha. I think it’s funny.”
Ron Paul:
“Our policies have failed, Bush has failed, our people have failed, the war has failed. Air has failed; why are we still breathing air? It’s the Bush Administration’s fault. We can’t go it alone. You can’t go it alone! Air is bad for you, you know. Under my tenure, I will abolish air, because it has failed. Hey you whippersnappers, get off my lawn! We have failed, I have failed, you have failed. Our foreign policy, our foreign policy, our foreign policy…I’m sorry, that’s an exercise my therapist tells me to do when my Alzheimer’s kicks in, you have to repeat things three times, three times, three times. We have failed! Where’s Bin Laden! I want to surrender to him, cause we’ve failed! We’re done; let’s be a subsidy of Al Qaeda! It’s over! We’ve failed! September 11 was an inside job, but they failed! Wait, no, they didn’t, but we did. Or they failed and we didn’t? I just…FAIL! YOU! FAIL!”
Duncan Hunter:
“I call on Ron Paul to rescind his comments, or I’ll show him how Reagan era Republicans handle things. Oh, yeah? Bring it on old man; I got miles of double-layered fencing installed on the border, and it reduced illegal alien interceptions in my district by 93%. You think I can’t kick your sorry ass all over this stage? Well, you’re wrong. Oh, and let’s bomb Syria, Pakistan, Iran, China, North Korea and Turkey. After that, we’ll take down Libya and the UAE, followed by Turkmenistan, France, Germany, Denmark and possibly Massachusetts. After we annex Canada and sink Mexico into the ocean to keep the South Americans from getting up here, we need to mine the oceans, put missiles on the moon and shoot down all those Russian satellites. Did I mention we’re bombing Russia? Well we are.”
Fred Thompson:
“Uh. Uhhh. Uhh. Well. Uhh. Well. In 2008. Uhh. As President…well. Uhh. Well.”
Mike Huckabee:
“We really don’t need all this aggression at each other; I’m not going to stoop to these shallow personal attacks. We need to save that aggression for the godless Mormons like Mitt Romney and devil worshipping Democrats like Hillary Clinton. They are the real enemies here. But we don’t need the personal attacks.”
Sam Brownback:
“I’m against the surge in the Iraq for the surge against the surge for the surge Iraq Bush policy against but I’m for Iraq I’m Catholic but against and for and against and Iraq and I am dropping out now bye thanks.”
Mitt Romney:
“Guiliani sucks!”
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